Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Times square photo op.
An Opening night event for my internship, me and two fellow interns, Manisha and Thatcher
The next generation in my family, Kennedy, Micaylah, and Nicholas, my funny cousins. Funny story., Nicholas bit my Aunt Phyllis and got in trouble so his grandma made him go to bed while the girls got stay up. He cried so hard, then he cried harder. About 15 minutes later he emerges and apologizes to my Aunt. He then walks over to Kennedy and Micaylah and says so seriously," NeNe scared me. That's why I cried louder, she scared me." (He sits in Kennedy, his big sister's lap as she rubs his back.) "I love you Kennedy, you're just so nice." They were in their own little world, it was hilarious, comforting each other in Niko's time of need.
My beautiful mom on her birthday
Me in the subway...it was soooooooooooooo cold, lol. Had to capture how ridicules I looked...but warm.More Memories...
Showtime at the Apollo...not really
Shreeeyeeekkkkk. Hello...hello...is this thing on? Hello. Hello everyone, my name is Ashley, and I'm having a moment. You ever feel like just getting on the stage and telling the whole world your life? Well I guess this is my stage, my way of communicating with the world temporarily... or my few friends who read my page, lol.
I'm going through growing pains that make me feel like I'm in withdrawal. It is so hard to describe this process that some days leaves me feeling like I'm on top of the world and can do anything, and other days leaves me feeling so naked and exposed that my spirit shivers in the unfamiliarty of being that bare. All this from moving away from home? Or is this just the season in my life? Do I like who I am becoming? What am I doing here again? My heart is flooded with so many questions...questions that empty out the very things that used to excite me. Am I cynical? I miss God so much. I need people, I need community, it is such a necessity. I have great friends...shout out to my peoples you know who you are, lol. It's like I've been trying to replicate the sense of belonging I had back home, and if it doesn't come close, I reject it. And how did I make those friends in the first place? How do you make friends?...silence... this place I'm in is so unfamiliar. i've never been here before, I'm 24...internally struggling...internally at peace...internally struggling...internally at peace...internally struggling...internally at peace... I see a bit of a pattern. I enjoy being the steady one, the one who is dependable, "smooth and easy" as I called it. I am far from that now... I'm vulnerable these days, superstrong, or superweak, but the balance between those two I have yet to find. But at least they are super. And I live in a place where I have so much in common with people on a grander scale. You can taste humanity in the air here. The realization that everyone feels pain, everyone is searching, everyone is human. I feel human here. That's a good way to describe it, human and naked. It's not bad, it's necessary. It has taught me compassion in a way I have yet to experience. When your own pain becomes real, it is so much easier to identify with the sufferings of others. I used to be in a place of observation, I got to watch other people go through the hard parts of life...and learn. I'm not watching anymore, I'm living...I'm learning. Hopefully, someone is getting to watch... and learn. Of course I wanted to believe that God sent me here to NYC, which I do believe He did, but not for the purposes I had in mind. I am becoming something new. I don't even know what that looks like, but I can feel some areas in my life being broken back to dust to be reformed, smoothed out and fired.
In some ways I feel like the karate kid. It takes everything in me to fight, to be Ashley, to let go, to trust God. How is that the karate kid, lol? It's so funny, some days I walk out of the subway run up the stairs and feel like Rocky. And some days I internally remember all that God has invested in me, and encourage myself to keep going. I know I will come out of all this, I have learned with God, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't care how bad it gets. I try to imagine what my college years would have been like void of all the wonderful people whose lives I got to be a part of. It would have been a total different experience. A few months ago I surveyed some older women at my old job, I asked them, "after all the things in life they've seen, done, experienced what did they think was the most significant/special, etc." Woman after woman said in their own words...
it was the people.
It was the people.
It was the people who made my college experience great, it was the people who made Richmond home, it was the people who made me feel apart of something bigger than me.
It is the people...wherever I go, whatever I do, that will make life "fulfilling". exhale... wow. A 63 year old told me this, a 60 year old, and a 42 year old... I'm 24 and this too is my experience. Love God, love yourself, love people.
Moment. (light bulb went on) I need people, I cannot sustain myself in and of myself, not here, not in Richmond.
Lord, may my life always be shared, may my wealth be stored up in people. May the riches in my life come out of relationships. I'm learning to value people. Friends, strangers, co-workers, family.
So I started this rant talking into a mic to my imaginary crowd from a very low place, and I'm ending this from a rant on top of a hill, with hope and just a little more direction, a little more confidence in this journey. God is good. Just in case I forgot. Here I go resurrecting again...Just in case I forgot. I didn't.
I'm going through growing pains that make me feel like I'm in withdrawal. It is so hard to describe this process that some days leaves me feeling like I'm on top of the world and can do anything, and other days leaves me feeling so naked and exposed that my spirit shivers in the unfamiliarty of being that bare. All this from moving away from home? Or is this just the season in my life? Do I like who I am becoming? What am I doing here again? My heart is flooded with so many questions...questions that empty out the very things that used to excite me. Am I cynical? I miss God so much. I need people, I need community, it is such a necessity. I have great friends...shout out to my peoples you know who you are, lol. It's like I've been trying to replicate the sense of belonging I had back home, and if it doesn't come close, I reject it. And how did I make those friends in the first place? How do you make friends?...silence... this place I'm in is so unfamiliar. i've never been here before, I'm 24...internally struggling...internally at peace...internally struggling...internally at peace...internally struggling...internally at peace... I see a bit of a pattern. I enjoy being the steady one, the one who is dependable, "smooth and easy" as I called it. I am far from that now... I'm vulnerable these days, superstrong, or superweak, but the balance between those two I have yet to find. But at least they are super. And I live in a place where I have so much in common with people on a grander scale. You can taste humanity in the air here. The realization that everyone feels pain, everyone is searching, everyone is human. I feel human here. That's a good way to describe it, human and naked. It's not bad, it's necessary. It has taught me compassion in a way I have yet to experience. When your own pain becomes real, it is so much easier to identify with the sufferings of others. I used to be in a place of observation, I got to watch other people go through the hard parts of life...and learn. I'm not watching anymore, I'm living...I'm learning. Hopefully, someone is getting to watch... and learn. Of course I wanted to believe that God sent me here to NYC, which I do believe He did, but not for the purposes I had in mind. I am becoming something new. I don't even know what that looks like, but I can feel some areas in my life being broken back to dust to be reformed, smoothed out and fired.
In some ways I feel like the karate kid. It takes everything in me to fight, to be Ashley, to let go, to trust God. How is that the karate kid, lol? It's so funny, some days I walk out of the subway run up the stairs and feel like Rocky. And some days I internally remember all that God has invested in me, and encourage myself to keep going. I know I will come out of all this, I have learned with God, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't care how bad it gets. I try to imagine what my college years would have been like void of all the wonderful people whose lives I got to be a part of. It would have been a total different experience. A few months ago I surveyed some older women at my old job, I asked them, "after all the things in life they've seen, done, experienced what did they think was the most significant/special, etc." Woman after woman said in their own words...
it was the people.
It was the people.
It was the people who made my college experience great, it was the people who made Richmond home, it was the people who made me feel apart of something bigger than me.
It is the people...wherever I go, whatever I do, that will make life "fulfilling". exhale... wow. A 63 year old told me this, a 60 year old, and a 42 year old... I'm 24 and this too is my experience. Love God, love yourself, love people.
Moment. (light bulb went on) I need people, I cannot sustain myself in and of myself, not here, not in Richmond.
Lord, may my life always be shared, may my wealth be stored up in people. May the riches in my life come out of relationships. I'm learning to value people. Friends, strangers, co-workers, family.
So I started this rant talking into a mic to my imaginary crowd from a very low place, and I'm ending this from a rant on top of a hill, with hope and just a little more direction, a little more confidence in this journey. God is good. Just in case I forgot. Here I go resurrecting again...Just in case I forgot. I didn't.
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