Oldie but Goodie

Made me smile... and think of you guys, thought I'd share.
We should all do a song together, lol, I'll be Dionne :)

Fred got me

(listen to this song as you read...it's the authentic experience...it's how i wrote it, lol)


It's funny because I haven't listened to, or been in a Fred mood in a long time...years. I found this song, and just bawled. This is a tribute to the revival of Fred Hammond in the album of my life.

This is such a simple song, but the depths of the chorus resonate in my heart.
Forgive me Lord.
I have seeked high and low...
As if you were not sufficient
Your mercy so tender...
fill my cup Oh Lord, fill my well from the source
May it run over.

I realized the other day that my well was dry as a bone. I was unknowingly...and sometimes knowingly trying to fill it with the love and affirmation of others. Love and affirmation are perfectly natural healthy things, but when they become a need, it distorts the beauty of the gift and the giver. I had a well only filled that way. I felt so dry, I had nothing to give fearing I would lose the little bit I had. Lord. God please fill my cup. May you be my source of assurance, love, safety. That when others come offering their love and affirmation that it will only add to my cup not define it. That it will be flavor, not my sustenance. I want to be healthy Lord... may my well rise with waters... may my life once again be a drink of fresh water. To give. A couple of words that have not been in my hearts vocabulary the way I so long for. When you are thirsty you get a little selfish I suppose? I'm tired of praying about my needs, me, me, me. Get over yourself. ughhh. I get so tired of living in my skin sometimes.

I went to a meeting yesterday about doing something to change the world. I haven't felt that motivated and confident and passionate in a minute. I was in the midst of a team of people who weren't just talking about changing the world they were doing it. I have some great friends who know I can come up with some great ideas,(but never follow through) but great ideas are nothing left unexecuted. No life is changed, it's just dust.

I'm challenging myself to change, and hopefully by my execution I might have some change on this world.
I'm going to do something...
I lost my mojo... I lost my hope and desire somewhere along this journey...
but spring is coming, new life, new hope, budding...hmm, I can smell it in the air.

You know, I know that I will never fully grasp the extent of God's love. But the little bit I can grab hold of, changes me in a way that no one has to know but me and my father. God loves me. God loves us. This constant realization sinks further and further into my heart...and for some reason all I can do is weep.

I walk through the subways and sidewalks and think to myself how much people hurt. You can see it in their eyes, shucks you can see it in my eyes. But somehow, God understands and addresses each of our hurts with a compassion as if we were the only one. It's funny because my words feel like the religious words I used to say when I first God saved...but saying them now, this stuff is true. I know this from my heart not my head.

And you know, Papa, you are good... I see it more and more everyday, I don't just blindly believe it by "faith" I see it. Truth be told, I still don't totally understand what faith is.

I was thinking today, nothing is impossible for God. I look for God to do the impossible, but am I just foolish? I honestly don't know. But then I think about what God has done with my mom, that was impossible to me... but I trusted God when everything said things would never change, it took seven years... that was so painful to watch. Joy knows I often times felt more discouraged from the events that would constantly unfold. But it was the little things that would give me hope, a question from the heart, a gaze that went beyond my eyes and to the heart...God would even give me hope through dreams...lots of them, lol, not all so encouraging. There came a point one Christmas, that I gave my mom a mustard seed necklace. She didn't know that her wearing that necklace meant just as much to me as it did for her. It was a symbol of my hope, and it hung around her neck. It was all I had left, was this little piece of hope...I was tired. She wore that necklace faithfully, and everytime I saw it on her it reminded me of my trust in God for this woman I loved so dearly. I see that same necklace around her neck now, and I tear up. She is a living pillar of my faith, I will never forget. I told God I would give my greatest desire to see my mom safe in His arms, my God. I love that woman. Her life gives me hope. Maybe it isn't a matter of God's ability, but our willingness to believe? Or our motives for believing. But what about the practical, in my quest to understand how to live practically and not in my "lulu land" I have become cynical. Doubting more than I believe, and sometimes getting mad at the people who suddenly believe after they've been the model of the practical. I like believing God for the impossible, secretly I wonder if that is naive, or child like faith, or...and the list goes on. God I want to see you do the things that seem impossible, I want to without being ashamed or embarrassed. I guess that's just the way life has taught me to hope...or maybe that's the way I make myself feel better. hmm. God hears our cry, I am confident of this. Experience has made this a fact for me. Whether I believe God for the big or the little, maybe it's a matter of choice? or a measure of faith that each is given? I have know freaking idea...at all. I do know God is trustworthy though, and even when I have believed things in ignorance, God still used those things for my good, until I came to a greater understanding.
God did not forget my mama. And it's funny, when I was a child, my greatest fear was something happening to my mother, I carried her in my heart, she was my greatest burden. Hmm, probably one of the reasons I was so concerned about her health. When she hurt herself, she hurt me... I was a child. I carried that burden into adulthood, wow, God heard my cries as a child and he heard me in my maturity. Wow. If only you knew how much I worried about my mom, constantly...
Nothing is impossible for God. God took care of my mom, he didn't forget her, and in so doing, I knew He didn't forget about me.(the me of present, and the me of old...it all runs together, beginning and end, time kind of loses significance on this thought. God heard a little girls heart then, and the little girl now.)

My Shepherd

The Lord is my shepherd;
I have everything I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.

Even when I walk
through the dark valley of death,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and staff
protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You welcome me as a guest,
anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.