A Country Conversation

I heard this country song today that took me back. It was like you were talking to me amidst all of my hustle.

"You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"
-Trace Adkins

Lord help me. I can be in such a hurry to get to the next part of life, to be out of this job, to travel to this place, to... it's always something. Help me Lord. It is songs like this that help me remember that where I am today is as beautiful as where I will be tomorrow. Life is so short, and it's like I'm in a hurry to live it. I want to enjoy where I am now. I am blessed. I am so well taken care of. Thank you Lord. Some of my best times with you are when it is just you and me on the highway, and it's raining.lol. It just feels so nostalgic. Like memories only you and I know about. I love those secret times with you. They keep me. We have so many memories together, sometimes I forget, looking for the next moment, the next whatever. To live in this world is hard as a believer, I cannot imagine life without you at a time like this. I complain about my job, my home, and I'm sure a zillion other things. Life is good. I'm gonna miss these days, like I now miss my childhood. I've got friends that people wait a lifetime to meet, a family that has become a nearly extinct species to our society, a Mom who has sacrificed a great portion of her time to raise me, a Dad who loves me the most unconditionally that I've known, and a God who has forever made my life full. I love to love you.

I stopped to smell the Daisies

Hmmm. That's an exhale. This is my first attempt today to unload all the layers that have been piled on my mind today. Trying to find a job... not really what I want to do again, but for this time in my life it seems to be the only way for me to have the means to my immediate dreams and desires. Somedays I would just love to lay in a field and just look at the pretty trees. To live a simple life. Then there's the other part of me that would like to have an effect on this world other than frolicking in the daisies. It's like frolicking in the daisies is my default... but is it. It feels as if all this planning to effect this little world, is just an attempt to speak this worlds language, and there is a large learning curve. I guess I'm just a little weary today. I feel like a horse bucking for its freedom. Lord, how do I live in a society that is so enslaved. This America, this land of the free, this home of the brave is not so brave, and it's not so free. Are we free because we can make money and work, or have we become workhorses driven to stay a float, not ever getting to realize what we are personally made of because our time is consumed by work... and that is my soap box session for the day. I'm tired Lord. Trying to fight for my identity, for time, for a life that is blessed by resources, not dependent upon them.
I miss my family too. I miss the feeling of knowing that they are near. My family is so beautiful Lord. Thank you for them. I miss them... please take care of them. Why am I here in Richmond...still? This has been a great place for me, so much so I don' know where to go, it feels like I'm leaving the nest. This is where my life began. I was born in Richmond, what a beautiful heritage that lies here. It is my fear of leaving the things dear and familiar to me, the hesistation to face the changes that my life may so suddenly take in the coming months, that makes me want to stop... stop everything and smell those good ole daisies again... in an immeasurable field, bordered by mountains, with a nice cool breeze. It's like I want to rebel against everything that makes me feel confined or trapped. Lord where are you in all of this. What does it mean to be free. Am I trying to hold on to my life? Does all this have anything to do with me losing my life to gain it?
I'm all over the place tonight, but I've got a lot on my mind. Exhale. Exhale. My dad told me the other day, with such wisdom and gentleness as I beat his head in with excitement about all of my plans and aspirations, he said to me, "Ashley, I will love you and be proud of you no matter what you decide to do. You could dig holes for the rest of your life, if you are giving it your all that's what matters, your heart. I love you today just as much as I ever will." It felt like my Dad's words came straight from your heart for me. Thank you Lord. If I'm striving for your approval by being a world changer, it's not all that necessary, changing the world is a bonus. Understanding that you are after my heart, my being- that is liberating. Though I may feel trapped in this place, in this body even sometimes, there is a place of freedom that lets me rest, knowing that you love me the same.

"You are the secret place I know, when there is nowhere else to go, you are the secret place I know, you are the secret place I know."