I stopped to smell the Daisies

Hmmm. That's an exhale. This is my first attempt today to unload all the layers that have been piled on my mind today. Trying to find a job... not really what I want to do again, but for this time in my life it seems to be the only way for me to have the means to my immediate dreams and desires. Somedays I would just love to lay in a field and just look at the pretty trees. To live a simple life. Then there's the other part of me that would like to have an effect on this world other than frolicking in the daisies. It's like frolicking in the daisies is my default... but is it. It feels as if all this planning to effect this little world, is just an attempt to speak this worlds language, and there is a large learning curve. I guess I'm just a little weary today. I feel like a horse bucking for its freedom. Lord, how do I live in a society that is so enslaved. This America, this land of the free, this home of the brave is not so brave, and it's not so free. Are we free because we can make money and work, or have we become workhorses driven to stay a float, not ever getting to realize what we are personally made of because our time is consumed by work... and that is my soap box session for the day. I'm tired Lord. Trying to fight for my identity, for time, for a life that is blessed by resources, not dependent upon them.
I miss my family too. I miss the feeling of knowing that they are near. My family is so beautiful Lord. Thank you for them. I miss them... please take care of them. Why am I here in Richmond...still? This has been a great place for me, so much so I don' know where to go, it feels like I'm leaving the nest. This is where my life began. I was born in Richmond, what a beautiful heritage that lies here. It is my fear of leaving the things dear and familiar to me, the hesistation to face the changes that my life may so suddenly take in the coming months, that makes me want to stop... stop everything and smell those good ole daisies again... in an immeasurable field, bordered by mountains, with a nice cool breeze. It's like I want to rebel against everything that makes me feel confined or trapped. Lord where are you in all of this. What does it mean to be free. Am I trying to hold on to my life? Does all this have anything to do with me losing my life to gain it?
I'm all over the place tonight, but I've got a lot on my mind. Exhale. Exhale. My dad told me the other day, with such wisdom and gentleness as I beat his head in with excitement about all of my plans and aspirations, he said to me, "Ashley, I will love you and be proud of you no matter what you decide to do. You could dig holes for the rest of your life, if you are giving it your all that's what matters, your heart. I love you today just as much as I ever will." It felt like my Dad's words came straight from your heart for me. Thank you Lord. If I'm striving for your approval by being a world changer, it's not all that necessary, changing the world is a bonus. Understanding that you are after my heart, my being- that is liberating. Though I may feel trapped in this place, in this body even sometimes, there is a place of freedom that lets me rest, knowing that you love me the same.

"You are the secret place I know, when there is nowhere else to go, you are the secret place I know, you are the secret place I know."