My long walk with Papa

I walked along the Hudson River with God today. It was so perfect. The sun was shining high in the sky, and my body has longed for some Vitamin d?(whichever one the sun gives) The weather was lovely with a cool breeze. It felt so good to walk without a destination. I talked to Papa with my lips, I probably looked crazy, but I did not care, at all. Papa was as real to me as any other person on that sidewalk. I've started calling God papa, as I am growing I found that Papa is so much more endearing of the way I feel towards my Father. I walked down the Hudson, escaping the shadows of the tall buildings and thoughts and worries that loomed over my mind. I walked to find rest for my troubled heart... I guess I did have a destination. As I walked, the anger and dissapointment in my heart turned to tears from a deep well of hurt. I stood on the corner of a pier and weeped. First from circumstance hurt, immediate hurt, no less painful, but then my tears turned to wounds that have lurked and bled into other parts of my life. I stood their and told God all that I could, I asked him to fill the lonely place in my heart that I have never known how to fill. God healed something in me today. I can't put my finger on just what has changed, maybe just my faith. I stood at the end of that pier with the sun beaming on my face, and the wind bringing a chill to my facce as the wetness of my tears captured the cool air. And somehow I knew God was with me. I said it over and over to myself, "God is with me." God went on to teach me about love. Love is patient, love is kind... we know it, right? But today it took on a whole new meaning for my little heart. God has been so patient with me. I was reminded that God loves me, that He will wait patiently for me as He has for my whole walk with Him. He looks upon me with joy, he is fond of me. Those words melted my heart. I just want to be cherished. I confessed to God that I had spent most of my life being alone, and wanting to share my joys, my dreams...my many dreams, I want to be enjoyed. To hear God say that he already does, did something to my longing heart. I'm coming to understand that God didn't bring me t NYC for the reasons I once thought. God brought me here, alone, on purpose to heal me. And how strange it would seem to bring one who struggles so with isolation and loneliness to a place that swims in both. But it has only forced me to face these demons. I realized that I don't want to live with this crap any longer. It's just to heavy, I want to know what it feels like to live fully, to have joy even in the midst of sorrow. I can't run. I didn't come to NYC to get away from anything, I came for adventure. And it is funny, now that I am here, I want to run! But I know that there is no place I can go, not even Greece or any place I've dreamed of, I can't run from me. So I will face me. I am. I will not leave this place the sameway I came. I am leaving this old dirty baggage here in this city. It is not going along with me in any other part of my journey, I will wrestle with this *#$@ until it dies. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world. I am in a battle if you could not tell, lol. But if you could see my face, the dark bags under my eyes, my puffy lips, my eyes tired from the weight of my tears, my face tells the story of my battle with my soul. But if you look deeper into my eyes beyond all the anguish my face bears, you will see perserverance, endurance, hope, faith, though small in size, they are present. My demons/life long battles will not determine who I am and will be, and will not continue to hurt the people I love. There is a woman of faith being born out of my pain and sorrow.

Then Papa began to speak to me about being a resting place for people. Papa has been my resting place for a long time, and I know that attribute of Him well. I know what it means to be broken hearted, and to offer the comfort that God has shown me, how beautiful. God is healing me, I can often feel hurt people...and I want to be apart of their healing. Then it hit me, the beauty of redemption became ever more alive to me. God is a redeemer, He always takes the broken, sick, ugly, and makes it something that it wasn't. God is good, and it is His who is to work all things for the good...redemption. Papa's promise to our lives is redemption. Beauty for ashes, joy for mourning.

I thought to myself, how God is trying to redeem us individually (us- our community). It is a time of facing the things that have been buried, a time for God to redeem the deep things that haven't been fully healed. At first I thought this was just a pattern in my life, then I looked deeper, and saw God's heart to heal. That has been my prayer, healing our community in places we don't even know- nothing more than a story of redemption.