There's a Monster Under My Bed

One day I'm going to write on this blog when I'm in a good mood again, lol. I've been in a cold gray place for a good minute now, and am looking forward to brighter days. I just wanted to be honest with myself and document this part of my journey...because somewhere along the line i will look back and see the beauty. I'll be 25 in a little less than two weeks... Lord I hope I don't feel like I feel today. Twenty five is a big year, lol, I will look back and remember all that this year entailed. Pheww. In all honesty I am terrified at what this year may hold... it hasn't started on the prettiest of feet. There hasn't been a time in my walk with God where I have been so...down, I don't know if that's the right word, so aware of my insufficiency, so helpless. I've always felt I had control or some kind of bearings in my life up to this point. I feel like I'm surviving, I'm doing all I can to hold on to truth, I'm closer to God, yes, but my heart has never hurt so bad, I've never felt so lost. It's like I'm tracing back to the deepest of deep and darkest places in my heart and having to go there. I left a little trail of pain crumbs and one by one going back to where it began. It's terrifying to face the things that have brought me the most pain in life. But I've come to a point that living with them hurts to much and has affected to many areas of my life to go on with them still lingering. I said I was being honest, right? I was writing in Barnes and Nobles the other day and had a moment. I recognized yet another "monster" in my closet. Loneliness..my numero uno, I could trace that feeling all the way back to my early early childhood and the tears would surface like it just happened yesterday. Loneliness I am finding is an illness. I don't want to be sick anymore, I'm so tired. To go on like that would be living a life that is less than. I am freaking aware, I'm not ignorant to this monster. It lies to me, I remember years ago being in a my dorm with Joy, we had some kind of fight and it ended with me being delivered from some kind of spirit of loneliness, no it was pity. I remember sitting there and telling this thing it was not my friend, because after years of being alone it had indeed became my comfort, my companion, to go a place where no one could hurt me...except myself. I told pity that it wasn't my friend, and to leave me alone, and it did. I began weeping and it was like I could see, it sounds cliche but it literally felt like I could see so much better and clearer like this fog was lifted off of my sight. I guess that was just one piece. I developed this defense mechanism as a child to protect myself, and in all honesty it was probably necessary then to defend myself from total destruction at heart. So I carried this lonesome heart everywhere, I would hide under the sheets and cry because no one seemed to care, so I thought. I would lay there hoping that someone would come check on me to see if I was okay, to tell me they loved me and that I wasn't alone... but tell that to a child. So after years of this behavior, and no one coming for me, I began to believe it, I was alone. There are so many more painful accounts, I don't know how you get rid of feelings that are so deeply associated with your past. And then I realized (at Barnes and Nobles yesterday) that loneliness was only part of it... when I would lay there having those lonely pity parties it would always be amplified by my father not coming for me...always. We are reconciled now, but I never and sometimes still didn't understand why he never cared to come for me. And I would feel not worth much, etc etc. As I write this, I am not writing this in pity reader, I am writing this in truth, it kind of feels like a confession. I realized at the stem of not being desired, lonely, I believed that it was because I wasn't worth it. These are my three monsters that began to torment me earlier this month, literally...loneliness, lack of self worth, and being desired/rejection. I will be honest because I want to share my story. These three all hit me head on this month. One evening I lay in my bed, and my head was spinning, it was like something was pulling at my head, it was like being tormented. My roommate was asleep so I went into the bathroom and sat on the floor and prayed for God to help me, to protect me. That wasn't "the" moment, but one of the many moments that made me see.
So here I am now, trying to shed light on this dark place I feel like I have lived for too long. I've cried everyday...for different reasons, but by the end of each day, I get back up. Everyday for the past month has felt like I have been knocked down, like I am in a fight, and I just don't have the strength, I can't even be embarrassed because this my friends has become reality for me. It is a struggle to put on a happy face when I am wrestling with every fiber of my being. I have never been here, and I have no desire to come back. It's funny how NYC has become a backdrop to all of the noise inside of me. I once battled the loudness and chaos of this city, but no, the city is now quiet, the noise is in my soul.
So you may be thinking a lot of things right now... of which I don't know, but if I was reading this I might think that Ashley has gone a little crazy. Some days I do wonder, lol, to tell people what this feels like sounds like I've gone off the deep end, but that's just it, I have so that God can redeem a piece of me that was taken ove 20 years ago. To understand the value of healing, is to understand the heart of God. It has gotten to the point where I have to believe the spiritual/supernatural more than the natural or I might lose it. Some days I wonder if I'm brainwashing myself, or if I'm crazy, but it's the only thing that comforts me is to know what God says and sees. Nothing naturally makes a bit of sense to me. Everything is beyond my control, and anyone who knows me know I like to be in control. But all of this has brought me to a place where all I can do is trust God. I didn't really trust God before, to an extent, which I thought was bigger than what it really was, because I knew that I could always find a way to fix my problem somehow. But this crap is just too deep. I can't fix it, I can admit it, and face it, but I need help. To have faith is a wild thing. To trust a God you cannot see. To know what your experiences have told you, but to choose to believe what God says instead. Someone told me that the deep hurts we feel are often associated with a lie we have believed in our youth. I have asked God to show me the truth. These lies will either linger and eventually become my truth, or I can dispell them, by choice. That is where I am. I had to realize God was good, sounds silly, but it is easy to believe God is good over the things that we don't hold dearly, to and fro desires. But it is has been a battle for me to believe God is good when it has come to the things I have held closest to my heart. But I have found that God is good. That statement is the basis for why I can believe God to be trustworthy, that I can believe.
So God is good, I've got issues, and now what do I do about it. (This previous sentence sums up what I realized in the past month and went through hell to find out) Now that I know the names of my baggage, I'm ready to check this crap. It's amazing how this baggage has affected almost every area of my life. I was listening to a podcast about "baggage" and the guy was talking about getting counsel, and how the holy spirit is a counselor and how He works through people to counsel as well. A counselor is one who has insight. The idea of going to a counselor makes it seem like you are a special case, or beyond repair, but no, it is getting help from someone who can offer insight to my situation. So...I may sound even crazier now, but to God be the glory. I want insight and help to let go of this baggage. I know this won't be the last time I go through this process, but to be free of these burdens that have weighed me down would make me feel like a new woman. And I desire that. And you know what, God will redeem me.
All of this is yet funny, because one of my greatest desires is to help people find healing. I have the heart of a counselor...can't seem to help myself, lol, but it brings me such joy and fulfillment to be a soul hug, a resting place for another. Those are some of my happiest moments, is to know I provided shade for anothers heart. I feel as though my healing, is part of my process to help others heal. I feel deeply as an artist and an individual, but I also feel deeply the pains of others. It's as if through all of this heartache I have found yet another piece of my journey. I want to help shine light in the hearts of peoples darkest pains, and trust the counselor who healed me to reveal the truth to them... there is a ministry that does this called "theophostics" so up my alley. So this pain is not in vain, for eventually I will be given the gift to offer someone else the comfort that God has offered me.
If you guys do happen to stumble across my secret, not so secret blog...that I want to take public, lol, I would love to talk about this stuff. This is not a plea, but a desire to share life. Everyone's got suppressed hurts, and sometimes they surface in our lives without awareness, and then there are times when God invites you to remove them.
God invited me on this journey of healing, I have no doubt about that, His spirit invited me to this place.
This feels like an alter call,lol, but it is more of a plea, I believe that God is inviting all of us individually to face our "monsters of old". When I say us, I mean our little community, the SMOB bloggers, lol. I pray that God will meet us in our darkness and shine light on our deepest of wounds. That we would be a people who know in yet another way what it means to be free. That we will be willing to hear God invite us, and journey into the darkest, scariest places of our hurt and let God show us the truth, whatever it takes. I love you all, I guess I should put this on the main SMOB Blog.
A bit of irony I'm just now remembering... in kindergarten the first book I learned to read was "There's a Monster Under My Bed" ( I didn't really read it, I had it memorized,and took a reading test with it to prove to the teacher I could read, lol... shhh don't tell) but the book was about these monsters that used to make loud noises and taunt this little girl at night. They had huge shadows, and in the dark terrified the little girl. But when her father came to the door after hearing her cries he turned on the light and showed her the monsters under her bed. They were stuffed animals whose shadows grew large by the moonlight behind them, and the noises were her imagination. Hmm.
I feel as though our deepest pains are much like this story, they aren't at all what they seem, until God sheds some light. That was a great little memory (smile) that brings me such comfort. I read that feelings of anxiety, sorrow, fear and depression are usually stemmed from a lie. Food for thought.