"Life's to Short to be anyone else"- anonymous stranger

I am a creation. Creations serve a purpose, usually one that the artist intends to speak using its art form.  When I create I feel very deeply about what it is I am trying to express through my piece.  What happens if the creation is not expressing what it was created for?

I have a creation inside of me.

I'm an artist, artist create...right? What happens when artists don't create?  Hmm...they get stopped up, stuck, creatively constipated.  That's just it though, artists are storytellers, observers, visionaries, communicators for life.  I'm a communicator of the expressions of the heart.  My dad says it's selfish of me not to share this part of me.  I agree.  I'm not quite sure what holds me back from creating, except of course for that fear of failure.  I don't think that thing will ever go away until I just do it, do it the best way I can, the best way I know how, not the best way I've seen it done.  I guess it all comes down to my insecurity. That junk holds me up...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!  

I've been screaming a lot lately, mostly on the inside, though I have let it rip a couple times on the street.  I have rage built up on the inside of me.  Anger and frustration that I can express in one word, rage.  And it has a voice, it is a deep grunting scream from the depths of my soul.  I don't know where this came from, but anger is an emotion I'm not as familiar with compared to the others.  This rage needs an outlet.  I don't feel the need to hit anything, but I cannot express the intensity of which I feel the need to scream. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

sigh, sigh.  Am I going crazy?  No...no I remind myself.

I have a creation inside of me, that has lied dormant for years.  YEARS.  One that God spoke to me on the very night I came to really know Him.  I have purpose and intent just lying in my womb.  Ohhhh God.  I feel it so strongly. Help me to give birth.  I can make so many excuses but when it comes down to it, I don't think I will fill the freedom and fulfillment my heart longs for until I express myself.  That's what artists do, they express themselves. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...ahhhh.  the rage turns to tears...and my heart still aches.

I'm out of excuses.

I feel so intensly.

I can't turn it off.

So I'll make something of it.

It began from a scream that ran so far into my being, that it brought me to tears.

If lifes a dream, someone must have woken me up.

Control I have not, but trust I will gain.

I'm just a rich kid trying to find my way.

Help me oh God.

You hear the cry of the oppressed, and answer.

I am oppressed in my own mind, by my own ways.

Deliver me from evil.

May your intent for me be fulfilled.

I heard a girl on the subway say,"I am me...Life's to short to be anyone else"

Her confidence resonated in my heart.

I dream... a lot.

I spend much of my reality, in nonreality.

I'm learning to find my footing in this realm of reality.

My dreams gave me so much room to live out all that I think I can be.

Dreams can come true.

Now I'm just rambling....

ok, I'm done. 

Times square photo op.

An Opening night event for my internship, me and two fellow interns, Manisha and Thatcher
The next generation in my family, Kennedy, Micaylah, and Nicholas, my funny cousins. Funny story., Nicholas bit my Aunt Phyllis and got in trouble so his grandma made him go to bed while the girls got stay up. He cried so hard, then he cried harder. About 15 minutes later he emerges and apologizes to my Aunt. He then walks over to Kennedy and Micaylah and says so seriously," NeNe scared me. That's why I cried louder, she scared me." (He sits in Kennedy, his big sister's lap as she rubs his back.) "I love you Kennedy, you're just so nice." They were in their own little world, it was hilarious, comforting each other in Niko's time of need.

My beautiful mom on her birthday

Me in the subway...it was soooooooooooooo cold, lol. Had to capture how ridicules I looked...but warm.

More Memories...

My first visit back to Richmond!

Eric comes to visit in NYC!

Gwandmaaa!

Zeb,My boo boo, sweety lumpkin, auntie wuvs you, yes she does

My big brother, Brian, proud Papa. :)

Showtime at the Apollo...not really

Shreeeyeeekkkkk. Hello...hello...is this thing on? Hello. Hello everyone, my name is Ashley, and I'm having a moment. You ever feel like just getting on the stage and telling the whole world your life? Well I guess this is my stage, my way of communicating with the world temporarily... or my few friends who read my page, lol.
I'm going through growing pains that make me feel like I'm in withdrawal. It is so hard to describe this process that some days leaves me feeling like I'm on top of the world and can do anything, and other days leaves me feeling so naked and exposed that my spirit shivers in the unfamiliarty of being that bare. All this from moving away from home? Or is this just the season in my life? Do I like who I am becoming? What am I doing here again? My heart is flooded with so many questions...questions that empty out the very things that used to excite me. Am I cynical? I miss God so much. I need people, I need community, it is such a necessity. I have great friends...shout out to my peoples you know who you are, lol. It's like I've been trying to replicate the sense of belonging I had back home, and if it doesn't come close, I reject it. And how did I make those friends in the first place? How do you make friends?...silence... this place I'm in is so unfamiliar. i've never been here before, I'm 24...internally struggling...internally at peace...internally struggling...internally at peace...internally struggling...internally at peace... I see a bit of a pattern. I enjoy being the steady one, the one who is dependable, "smooth and easy" as I called it. I am far from that now... I'm vulnerable these days, superstrong, or superweak, but the balance between those two I have yet to find. But at least they are super. And I live in a place where I have so much in common with people on a grander scale. You can taste humanity in the air here. The realization that everyone feels pain, everyone is searching, everyone is human. I feel human here. That's a good way to describe it, human and naked. It's not bad, it's necessary. It has taught me compassion in a way I have yet to experience. When your own pain becomes real, it is so much easier to identify with the sufferings of others. I used to be in a place of observation, I got to watch other people go through the hard parts of life...and learn. I'm not watching anymore, I'm living...I'm learning. Hopefully, someone is getting to watch... and learn. Of course I wanted to believe that God sent me here to NYC, which I do believe He did, but not for the purposes I had in mind. I am becoming something new. I don't even know what that looks like, but I can feel some areas in my life being broken back to dust to be reformed, smoothed out and fired.

In some ways I feel like the karate kid. It takes everything in me to fight, to be Ashley, to let go, to trust God. How is that the karate kid, lol? It's so funny, some days I walk out of the subway run up the stairs and feel like Rocky. And some days I internally remember all that God has invested in me, and encourage myself to keep going. I know I will come out of all this, I have learned with God, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't care how bad it gets. I try to imagine what my college years would have been like void of all the wonderful people whose lives I got to be a part of. It would have been a total different experience. A few months ago I surveyed some older women at my old job, I asked them, "after all the things in life they've seen, done, experienced what did they think was the most significant/special, etc." Woman after woman said in their own words...
it was the people.
It was the people.
It was the people who made my college experience great, it was the people who made Richmond home, it was the people who made me feel apart of something bigger than me.
It is the people...wherever I go, whatever I do, that will make life "fulfilling". exhale... wow. A 63 year old told me this, a 60 year old, and a 42 year old... I'm 24 and this too is my experience. Love God, love yourself, love people.

Moment. (light bulb went on) I need people, I cannot sustain myself in and of myself, not here, not in Richmond.
Lord, may my life always be shared, may my wealth be stored up in people. May the riches in my life come out of relationships. I'm learning to value people. Friends, strangers, co-workers, family.
So I started this rant talking into a mic to my imaginary crowd from a very low place, and I'm ending this from a rant on top of a hill, with hope and just a little more direction, a little more confidence in this journey. God is good. Just in case I forgot. Here I go resurrecting again...Just in case I forgot. I didn't.

NYC memories

So I was sitting on the train yesterday, which by the way has become my sanctuary, it's just such a great place to sit and think, and look at beautiful different people.  It's one of my favorite moments of the day, an awesome time of reflection.  

Anyways, I was sitting on the train thinking about all the funny things that have happened here in my short time.  And I just bust out laughing, out loud, all to myself, I couldn't help myself.  The hard days became funny, the fun days became joyful memories... so I came up with this list while I was on the train.

1.  I farted on the elevator. lol I didn't mean too, but we were on the 9th floor and the elevator stopped at like four floors.  oops.

2. I went to a parade, with music, horns, and a huge float... I thought... but it was actually a funeral.

3.  I cracked up laughing on the middle of the train because of this list.

4.  I put on my prettiest dress for an event at work, and my white granny panties were shining through. :(

5. At my old apartmen building, built in 1923, and probably not refurbished since then, I chose to take a shower in the bathroom with the great water pressure... Sadly the water would go up 10 degrees every two minutes and burn the mess out of me. lol

6. The "boobie" lady on the train showing off her topless pictures to a stranger... and everyone else on the train for that matter...even me. lol

7. My old apartment fed us, but was stingy on the food some days.  I arrived late for dinner one evening to be served a spoonful of tuna...just tuna... no bread, no crackers. I just stared at it and laughed.

8. Did anyone else see that man dressed like Elvis? anybody.

9. I had a maid. ( For 2 weeks)

10. I hailed a cab... I think I'll walk from now on.

11.  I pick up people's accent very easily, and not on purpose,  I met some international ladies at my apartment and picked up a lovely british accent.  My roommate is latino, and now so am I.

12. I went shopping on Labor Day, biiiiigggg mistake, never again! I went to Macy's and got so frustrated I had to stop and get ice cream, ice cream makes everything better.

13. I got my eyebrows waxed... scary, bought a city purse and sunglasses... that was enough.  I don't need much more vanity- but I do like my purse.

14. The rockin' open mic night, I rocked my head so hard...and started saying stuff like "man that music is funky..umm that's fresh... you better play it... whooo... and of course I put on the funky musician face when you are reeally feeling it, you can't be in a place like that without the funky face.  (David you would have been proud)

15.  On a serious note, out of all the people I've seen here on the streets so absorbed with the hustle, I have felt the most for the homeless people.  They seem to be the one's that can see the clearest here.

16.  There is something so significant about the train ride home.  I almost cried on the train the other day.  Somedays are just too much to bear.

That's my list so far.  I do know one thing.  I am rich... we are rich.  There are so many people here who are striving for fulfillment... for money, for something.  Those things have there place, but I have had the opportunity to experience relationships that are so fulfilling they run right to my heart.  Most people don't recognize or experience this until later in their lifetime.  We are fortunate to be rich now, and have the opportunity to do something with it.  There's a freedom that knowing you already have what your heart longs after, and that you don't have to strive for it for a lifetime.  How do we respond to that wealth, you know.  There's a lot to be learned from watching and listening to other people's lives, the big shots and the not so big shots, they all have a story to tell of how they chose to live their life.  

NYC is full of big buildings, millions of people, everything at your fingertips.  But it's also a tiny island, with a little foundation to for all of the hustle it sustains.  Big, lofty, man made dreams, and little hearts.  Is NYC the American dream? Big accomplishments, and hardened hearts.  This pic says a lot to me, this is the biggest cemetery I've ever seen, with the biggest cityscape right behind it.  I call it "tombstones and pillars".  Lives spent on building pillars.  I've come to recognize milestones in life and have learned to stake a pillar in the places that I know God was with me, and the places I want to remember.  And then there are the pillars of expectation that we have for our own lives (that sometimes lead to unnecessary stress). Live your life with pillars, don't let your pillars live you.  

random nights

"Hot Chocolate"...this band was up there with the babyface concert
This is Miss Blue.  That's her stage name, she where's all blue every Monday... maybe everyday
Me, Diana, and Andre, Diana's friend/musician, he's the one that told us about Open Mic Night
Me.  I had to post this pic as awful as it is.  But it captures how I felt that night.  It was hot as all googamoo, my eye was hurting, and I had just found out my bank account was overdrafted... oh yeah... and the bank had me on hold for 45 minutes.  This pic says a thousand words I wanted to say.
I view from the roof of my building.  This is where I went to cool off after my frustrating evening.  The yellow building is the empire state building.

First Sunday

Picnic after church at at Greek couples house. They roasted lambs and everything
This is Diana, and Sarah... this is the first day I met them, and they treated me like family, and boy did I need it in a city that seemed so cold.
Me and my new roomie Sarah.
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A huge graveyard with the cityscape...quite ironic to me.

My first night out on the town at an open mic night with an AWESOME band.

The Move :(

I am having technical difficulties posting my videos... 

The Move :(

Saks Goodbye

Saks Goodbye

I am A. Dickerson!

Daddy's girl

I love my Dad.  I love the fact that this Man (man with a capital "M", I'm convinced that there are a few phases in manhood, boy, young man, man, Man.) My dad is a Man man, lol.  He exemplifies in this past two years much of what was a mystery to me for most of my adolescence.  He hears my heart, and hears God speak to Him about me.  He speaks the truth to me, offers wisdom that comes from a place that I can identify with because I am his seed and I think and act a lot like him.  My relationship with my dad testifies to the sovereignty, love, grace and redemption in Christ.  It's amazing how all of the talks and such that I missed growing up,  I have experienced to a depth that I don't think most fathers and daughters experience so intimately.  My dad speaks life into me, like a human echo of God.  He's not God, but God echoes His love towards me through my father.  I love that Man.  This is an ode to my father. Even though I didn't get to see his life process, it is amazing that in my journey to learn to understand, relate to, and appreciate men, I have a father who exemplifies manhood at its finest.  His choices, his struggles, his bruises, his tenderness, his fears, his joy, his vulnerable heart, his weakness, his strength, his tender patient love... his heart for his daughter absent and present, are what has made him in my eyes a Man.  God made a Man, out of a boy... a lonely, frail boy.  My father is the story of redemption. I am a daughter of redemption.  

Pressed

Man I feel good tonight!  It is almost midnight and I just applied to four of my top jobs!  That feels good.  David says in the sales world that a day of putting out bait is a day well spent.  I am learning to press, and I must say OHHHH! it feels good to know that I've done the part that I can do, and I've done it the best way I know how.  Hallelujah! Whether I get a job or not, I feel like I am victorious TODAY.  I have accomplished something that has taken me months and years to attain a new place of maturity.  I have the desire to press and pursue!  That in itself is so satisfying to my soul.  It makes me feel like more of a woman that I was a month ago, like God is perfecting His good work in me, not because I am successful in my pursuits, but because in pursuit of my desires He is changing my heart, my character, me.  In a way that it is beginning to be clearer that my pursuits are for the purpose of God's pursuit of me to be like Him.  Tonight will go down in my personal memory bank- God has met me here in my pressing.