the view from my bedroom window in Astoria, Queens.

We went to a house party "bruncheon" in Brooklyn. A bunch of people, a beautiful apartment.

I love my fam, need I say more :)

God sent me Keesha!!

My Birthday 26 years old, 2010!

The irony. Look at the ad above him, lol.

no reason, just really like this statue.

pantless flashmob 2010!

Ikea. a bucketlist picture (sorry mom)

My "grown and sexy woman" photoshoot with Joy. "Be the tree."

Crabtree falls near my grandma's house...a much needed getaway with my bestie.

Erica's famous rooftop. I will never forget this night.

My puddin' pop. This is so wrong... but so cute.

Ok...so here's the story, and yes, this is my foot. While vacationing in the Dominican Republic (hence my brown foot), I got a pedicure. The lady cut me (by accident!) I'm bleeding...my toe later swells up, and this ladies and gentlemen is the look I sported the whole vacation, lol.

This was awesome. Blankets everywhere, thousands of people... the new york philharmonic-FREE in central Park. My favorite part about summers in NYC.

More FREE...watermelon that is. I accidently found this street party sponsored by target, and had myself a blast.

4th of July on the New Jersey side of NYC. Once in a lifetime view of the fireworks!

That's right, we're cool.

This was the house of Ariel, the star of Broadway's Little Mermaid.

my adorable cousins, the next generation.

This is on my birthday, 2009. I met my long lost son in the movie theatres, lol.

2009, Sarah and I at the Hudson River park chillaxin.

Made a visit to Coney Island. Sad in this pic b/c my hairdresser chopped all my hair off :(

Rooftop in Brooklyn.

I miss this blog. It captured where I was specifically the early stages of my journey to NYC. I'm still in NYC. Life is better. I'm a little bit older, and a little bit wiser.

I learned that even when I try my hardest I still make mistakes.

I learned that I'm human, and that's beautiful.

I learned that time makes most things better.

I learned my priorities- God, family/friends and passion.

I learned how to face myself. And the importance of healing.

I learned that God is there even when we fall.

I learned that I can't do it all by myself, nor do I want to.

I learned to trust the Spirit of God in me.

I learned the importance of eating well. I learned the detriment of sugar.

I learned about the pains of depression.

I'm learning about the fundamentals of joy.

I'm learning not to be so hard on myself.

I'm learning that most of our issues come from childhood. They can be healed.

I learned that I need companionship.

I learned how to hustle like a Jamaican.

I learned I prefer to hustle.

I learned that not everyone has to think like me.

I learned to accept people where they are.

I learned that as much as I desire intimacy, I am deeply afraid of it.

I learned that NYC is not such a bad place. But it's also not my home.

I learned how to take life one day at a time.

I learned how to find quiet and peace anywhere!

I learned how to go alone and not feel lonely.

I learned that God always comes through for me.

I learned that I think in story.

I learned the importance of counseling.

I learned my way around NYC.

I met some very talented people that I'm honored to call friends.

I learned how to get angry.

I'm learning how to forgive.

I learned that we all have a lot of common, us humans...more than meets the eye.

I'm learning that discipline is a daily choice.

I learned that it's ok to approach life differently.

I learned how to wear skinny jeans, and shirts that fall off of your shoulders.

I learned how to talk to strangers.

I learned how much I like to dance.

I learned the value of friendship and community.

I learned not to take life for granted.

I learned how much I am loved.

I learned that God really does care.

I'm learning how to be me.

I feel good about my time here in NYC so far. I feel like my time may be slowly coming to a close, but I have learned more than I thought I would. I came here with specific quests in mind, a foreshadowed knowing of what I could expect. I came here to become the "lion" of a woman that I knew was in me. I know now that I lion doesn't have to be aggressive to where courage, sometimes courage is just being brave enough to be. The other goalish thing was to have a deeper understanding of shalom. Wholeness. That would be the defining word of this journey. Spiritually, physically, mentally, career wise, etc.- wholeness. That's the kind of stuff tattoos are made of :).

Oldie but Goodie

Made me smile... and think of you guys, thought I'd share.
We should all do a song together, lol, I'll be Dionne :)

Fred got me

(listen to this song as you read...it's the authentic experience...it's how i wrote it, lol)


It's funny because I haven't listened to, or been in a Fred mood in a long time...years. I found this song, and just bawled. This is a tribute to the revival of Fred Hammond in the album of my life.

This is such a simple song, but the depths of the chorus resonate in my heart.
Forgive me Lord.
I have seeked high and low...
As if you were not sufficient
Your mercy so tender...
fill my cup Oh Lord, fill my well from the source
May it run over.

I realized the other day that my well was dry as a bone. I was unknowingly...and sometimes knowingly trying to fill it with the love and affirmation of others. Love and affirmation are perfectly natural healthy things, but when they become a need, it distorts the beauty of the gift and the giver. I had a well only filled that way. I felt so dry, I had nothing to give fearing I would lose the little bit I had. Lord. God please fill my cup. May you be my source of assurance, love, safety. That when others come offering their love and affirmation that it will only add to my cup not define it. That it will be flavor, not my sustenance. I want to be healthy Lord... may my well rise with waters... may my life once again be a drink of fresh water. To give. A couple of words that have not been in my hearts vocabulary the way I so long for. When you are thirsty you get a little selfish I suppose? I'm tired of praying about my needs, me, me, me. Get over yourself. ughhh. I get so tired of living in my skin sometimes.

I went to a meeting yesterday about doing something to change the world. I haven't felt that motivated and confident and passionate in a minute. I was in the midst of a team of people who weren't just talking about changing the world they were doing it. I have some great friends who know I can come up with some great ideas,(but never follow through) but great ideas are nothing left unexecuted. No life is changed, it's just dust.

I'm challenging myself to change, and hopefully by my execution I might have some change on this world.
I'm going to do something...
I lost my mojo... I lost my hope and desire somewhere along this journey...
but spring is coming, new life, new hope, budding...hmm, I can smell it in the air.

You know, I know that I will never fully grasp the extent of God's love. But the little bit I can grab hold of, changes me in a way that no one has to know but me and my father. God loves me. God loves us. This constant realization sinks further and further into my heart...and for some reason all I can do is weep.

I walk through the subways and sidewalks and think to myself how much people hurt. You can see it in their eyes, shucks you can see it in my eyes. But somehow, God understands and addresses each of our hurts with a compassion as if we were the only one. It's funny because my words feel like the religious words I used to say when I first God saved...but saying them now, this stuff is true. I know this from my heart not my head.

And you know, Papa, you are good... I see it more and more everyday, I don't just blindly believe it by "faith" I see it. Truth be told, I still don't totally understand what faith is.

I was thinking today, nothing is impossible for God. I look for God to do the impossible, but am I just foolish? I honestly don't know. But then I think about what God has done with my mom, that was impossible to me... but I trusted God when everything said things would never change, it took seven years... that was so painful to watch. Joy knows I often times felt more discouraged from the events that would constantly unfold. But it was the little things that would give me hope, a question from the heart, a gaze that went beyond my eyes and to the heart...God would even give me hope through dreams...lots of them, lol, not all so encouraging. There came a point one Christmas, that I gave my mom a mustard seed necklace. She didn't know that her wearing that necklace meant just as much to me as it did for her. It was a symbol of my hope, and it hung around her neck. It was all I had left, was this little piece of hope...I was tired. She wore that necklace faithfully, and everytime I saw it on her it reminded me of my trust in God for this woman I loved so dearly. I see that same necklace around her neck now, and I tear up. She is a living pillar of my faith, I will never forget. I told God I would give my greatest desire to see my mom safe in His arms, my God. I love that woman. Her life gives me hope. Maybe it isn't a matter of God's ability, but our willingness to believe? Or our motives for believing. But what about the practical, in my quest to understand how to live practically and not in my "lulu land" I have become cynical. Doubting more than I believe, and sometimes getting mad at the people who suddenly believe after they've been the model of the practical. I like believing God for the impossible, secretly I wonder if that is naive, or child like faith, or...and the list goes on. God I want to see you do the things that seem impossible, I want to without being ashamed or embarrassed. I guess that's just the way life has taught me to hope...or maybe that's the way I make myself feel better. hmm. God hears our cry, I am confident of this. Experience has made this a fact for me. Whether I believe God for the big or the little, maybe it's a matter of choice? or a measure of faith that each is given? I have know freaking idea...at all. I do know God is trustworthy though, and even when I have believed things in ignorance, God still used those things for my good, until I came to a greater understanding.
God did not forget my mama. And it's funny, when I was a child, my greatest fear was something happening to my mother, I carried her in my heart, she was my greatest burden. Hmm, probably one of the reasons I was so concerned about her health. When she hurt herself, she hurt me... I was a child. I carried that burden into adulthood, wow, God heard my cries as a child and he heard me in my maturity. Wow. If only you knew how much I worried about my mom, constantly...
Nothing is impossible for God. God took care of my mom, he didn't forget her, and in so doing, I knew He didn't forget about me.(the me of present, and the me of old...it all runs together, beginning and end, time kind of loses significance on this thought. God heard a little girls heart then, and the little girl now.)

My Shepherd

The Lord is my shepherd;
I have everything I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.

Even when I walk
through the dark valley of death,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and staff
protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You welcome me as a guest,
anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.

There's a Monster Under My Bed

One day I'm going to write on this blog when I'm in a good mood again, lol. I've been in a cold gray place for a good minute now, and am looking forward to brighter days. I just wanted to be honest with myself and document this part of my journey...because somewhere along the line i will look back and see the beauty. I'll be 25 in a little less than two weeks... Lord I hope I don't feel like I feel today. Twenty five is a big year, lol, I will look back and remember all that this year entailed. Pheww. In all honesty I am terrified at what this year may hold... it hasn't started on the prettiest of feet. There hasn't been a time in my walk with God where I have been so...down, I don't know if that's the right word, so aware of my insufficiency, so helpless. I've always felt I had control or some kind of bearings in my life up to this point. I feel like I'm surviving, I'm doing all I can to hold on to truth, I'm closer to God, yes, but my heart has never hurt so bad, I've never felt so lost. It's like I'm tracing back to the deepest of deep and darkest places in my heart and having to go there. I left a little trail of pain crumbs and one by one going back to where it began. It's terrifying to face the things that have brought me the most pain in life. But I've come to a point that living with them hurts to much and has affected to many areas of my life to go on with them still lingering. I said I was being honest, right? I was writing in Barnes and Nobles the other day and had a moment. I recognized yet another "monster" in my closet. Loneliness..my numero uno, I could trace that feeling all the way back to my early early childhood and the tears would surface like it just happened yesterday. Loneliness I am finding is an illness. I don't want to be sick anymore, I'm so tired. To go on like that would be living a life that is less than. I am freaking aware, I'm not ignorant to this monster. It lies to me, I remember years ago being in a my dorm with Joy, we had some kind of fight and it ended with me being delivered from some kind of spirit of loneliness, no it was pity. I remember sitting there and telling this thing it was not my friend, because after years of being alone it had indeed became my comfort, my companion, to go a place where no one could hurt me...except myself. I told pity that it wasn't my friend, and to leave me alone, and it did. I began weeping and it was like I could see, it sounds cliche but it literally felt like I could see so much better and clearer like this fog was lifted off of my sight. I guess that was just one piece. I developed this defense mechanism as a child to protect myself, and in all honesty it was probably necessary then to defend myself from total destruction at heart. So I carried this lonesome heart everywhere, I would hide under the sheets and cry because no one seemed to care, so I thought. I would lay there hoping that someone would come check on me to see if I was okay, to tell me they loved me and that I wasn't alone... but tell that to a child. So after years of this behavior, and no one coming for me, I began to believe it, I was alone. There are so many more painful accounts, I don't know how you get rid of feelings that are so deeply associated with your past. And then I realized (at Barnes and Nobles yesterday) that loneliness was only part of it... when I would lay there having those lonely pity parties it would always be amplified by my father not coming for me...always. We are reconciled now, but I never and sometimes still didn't understand why he never cared to come for me. And I would feel not worth much, etc etc. As I write this, I am not writing this in pity reader, I am writing this in truth, it kind of feels like a confession. I realized at the stem of not being desired, lonely, I believed that it was because I wasn't worth it. These are my three monsters that began to torment me earlier this month, literally...loneliness, lack of self worth, and being desired/rejection. I will be honest because I want to share my story. These three all hit me head on this month. One evening I lay in my bed, and my head was spinning, it was like something was pulling at my head, it was like being tormented. My roommate was asleep so I went into the bathroom and sat on the floor and prayed for God to help me, to protect me. That wasn't "the" moment, but one of the many moments that made me see.
So here I am now, trying to shed light on this dark place I feel like I have lived for too long. I've cried everyday...for different reasons, but by the end of each day, I get back up. Everyday for the past month has felt like I have been knocked down, like I am in a fight, and I just don't have the strength, I can't even be embarrassed because this my friends has become reality for me. It is a struggle to put on a happy face when I am wrestling with every fiber of my being. I have never been here, and I have no desire to come back. It's funny how NYC has become a backdrop to all of the noise inside of me. I once battled the loudness and chaos of this city, but no, the city is now quiet, the noise is in my soul.
So you may be thinking a lot of things right now... of which I don't know, but if I was reading this I might think that Ashley has gone a little crazy. Some days I do wonder, lol, to tell people what this feels like sounds like I've gone off the deep end, but that's just it, I have so that God can redeem a piece of me that was taken ove 20 years ago. To understand the value of healing, is to understand the heart of God. It has gotten to the point where I have to believe the spiritual/supernatural more than the natural or I might lose it. Some days I wonder if I'm brainwashing myself, or if I'm crazy, but it's the only thing that comforts me is to know what God says and sees. Nothing naturally makes a bit of sense to me. Everything is beyond my control, and anyone who knows me know I like to be in control. But all of this has brought me to a place where all I can do is trust God. I didn't really trust God before, to an extent, which I thought was bigger than what it really was, because I knew that I could always find a way to fix my problem somehow. But this crap is just too deep. I can't fix it, I can admit it, and face it, but I need help. To have faith is a wild thing. To trust a God you cannot see. To know what your experiences have told you, but to choose to believe what God says instead. Someone told me that the deep hurts we feel are often associated with a lie we have believed in our youth. I have asked God to show me the truth. These lies will either linger and eventually become my truth, or I can dispell them, by choice. That is where I am. I had to realize God was good, sounds silly, but it is easy to believe God is good over the things that we don't hold dearly, to and fro desires. But it is has been a battle for me to believe God is good when it has come to the things I have held closest to my heart. But I have found that God is good. That statement is the basis for why I can believe God to be trustworthy, that I can believe.
So God is good, I've got issues, and now what do I do about it. (This previous sentence sums up what I realized in the past month and went through hell to find out) Now that I know the names of my baggage, I'm ready to check this crap. It's amazing how this baggage has affected almost every area of my life. I was listening to a podcast about "baggage" and the guy was talking about getting counsel, and how the holy spirit is a counselor and how He works through people to counsel as well. A counselor is one who has insight. The idea of going to a counselor makes it seem like you are a special case, or beyond repair, but no, it is getting help from someone who can offer insight to my situation. So...I may sound even crazier now, but to God be the glory. I want insight and help to let go of this baggage. I know this won't be the last time I go through this process, but to be free of these burdens that have weighed me down would make me feel like a new woman. And I desire that. And you know what, God will redeem me.
All of this is yet funny, because one of my greatest desires is to help people find healing. I have the heart of a counselor...can't seem to help myself, lol, but it brings me such joy and fulfillment to be a soul hug, a resting place for another. Those are some of my happiest moments, is to know I provided shade for anothers heart. I feel as though my healing, is part of my process to help others heal. I feel deeply as an artist and an individual, but I also feel deeply the pains of others. It's as if through all of this heartache I have found yet another piece of my journey. I want to help shine light in the hearts of peoples darkest pains, and trust the counselor who healed me to reveal the truth to them... there is a ministry that does this called "theophostics" so up my alley. So this pain is not in vain, for eventually I will be given the gift to offer someone else the comfort that God has offered me.
If you guys do happen to stumble across my secret, not so secret blog...that I want to take public, lol, I would love to talk about this stuff. This is not a plea, but a desire to share life. Everyone's got suppressed hurts, and sometimes they surface in our lives without awareness, and then there are times when God invites you to remove them.
God invited me on this journey of healing, I have no doubt about that, His spirit invited me to this place.
This feels like an alter call,lol, but it is more of a plea, I believe that God is inviting all of us individually to face our "monsters of old". When I say us, I mean our little community, the SMOB bloggers, lol. I pray that God will meet us in our darkness and shine light on our deepest of wounds. That we would be a people who know in yet another way what it means to be free. That we will be willing to hear God invite us, and journey into the darkest, scariest places of our hurt and let God show us the truth, whatever it takes. I love you all, I guess I should put this on the main SMOB Blog.
A bit of irony I'm just now remembering... in kindergarten the first book I learned to read was "There's a Monster Under My Bed" ( I didn't really read it, I had it memorized,and took a reading test with it to prove to the teacher I could read, lol... shhh don't tell) but the book was about these monsters that used to make loud noises and taunt this little girl at night. They had huge shadows, and in the dark terrified the little girl. But when her father came to the door after hearing her cries he turned on the light and showed her the monsters under her bed. They were stuffed animals whose shadows grew large by the moonlight behind them, and the noises were her imagination. Hmm.
I feel as though our deepest pains are much like this story, they aren't at all what they seem, until God sheds some light. That was a great little memory (smile) that brings me such comfort. I read that feelings of anxiety, sorrow, fear and depression are usually stemmed from a lie. Food for thought.

My long walk with Papa

I walked along the Hudson River with God today. It was so perfect. The sun was shining high in the sky, and my body has longed for some Vitamin d?(whichever one the sun gives) The weather was lovely with a cool breeze. It felt so good to walk without a destination. I talked to Papa with my lips, I probably looked crazy, but I did not care, at all. Papa was as real to me as any other person on that sidewalk. I've started calling God papa, as I am growing I found that Papa is so much more endearing of the way I feel towards my Father. I walked down the Hudson, escaping the shadows of the tall buildings and thoughts and worries that loomed over my mind. I walked to find rest for my troubled heart... I guess I did have a destination. As I walked, the anger and dissapointment in my heart turned to tears from a deep well of hurt. I stood on the corner of a pier and weeped. First from circumstance hurt, immediate hurt, no less painful, but then my tears turned to wounds that have lurked and bled into other parts of my life. I stood their and told God all that I could, I asked him to fill the lonely place in my heart that I have never known how to fill. God healed something in me today. I can't put my finger on just what has changed, maybe just my faith. I stood at the end of that pier with the sun beaming on my face, and the wind bringing a chill to my facce as the wetness of my tears captured the cool air. And somehow I knew God was with me. I said it over and over to myself, "God is with me." God went on to teach me about love. Love is patient, love is kind... we know it, right? But today it took on a whole new meaning for my little heart. God has been so patient with me. I was reminded that God loves me, that He will wait patiently for me as He has for my whole walk with Him. He looks upon me with joy, he is fond of me. Those words melted my heart. I just want to be cherished. I confessed to God that I had spent most of my life being alone, and wanting to share my joys, my dreams...my many dreams, I want to be enjoyed. To hear God say that he already does, did something to my longing heart. I'm coming to understand that God didn't bring me t NYC for the reasons I once thought. God brought me here, alone, on purpose to heal me. And how strange it would seem to bring one who struggles so with isolation and loneliness to a place that swims in both. But it has only forced me to face these demons. I realized that I don't want to live with this crap any longer. It's just to heavy, I want to know what it feels like to live fully, to have joy even in the midst of sorrow. I can't run. I didn't come to NYC to get away from anything, I came for adventure. And it is funny, now that I am here, I want to run! But I know that there is no place I can go, not even Greece or any place I've dreamed of, I can't run from me. So I will face me. I am. I will not leave this place the sameway I came. I am leaving this old dirty baggage here in this city. It is not going along with me in any other part of my journey, I will wrestle with this *#$@ until it dies. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world. I am in a battle if you could not tell, lol. But if you could see my face, the dark bags under my eyes, my puffy lips, my eyes tired from the weight of my tears, my face tells the story of my battle with my soul. But if you look deeper into my eyes beyond all the anguish my face bears, you will see perserverance, endurance, hope, faith, though small in size, they are present. My demons/life long battles will not determine who I am and will be, and will not continue to hurt the people I love. There is a woman of faith being born out of my pain and sorrow.

Then Papa began to speak to me about being a resting place for people. Papa has been my resting place for a long time, and I know that attribute of Him well. I know what it means to be broken hearted, and to offer the comfort that God has shown me, how beautiful. God is healing me, I can often feel hurt people...and I want to be apart of their healing. Then it hit me, the beauty of redemption became ever more alive to me. God is a redeemer, He always takes the broken, sick, ugly, and makes it something that it wasn't. God is good, and it is His who is to work all things for the good...redemption. Papa's promise to our lives is redemption. Beauty for ashes, joy for mourning.

I thought to myself, how God is trying to redeem us individually (us- our community). It is a time of facing the things that have been buried, a time for God to redeem the deep things that haven't been fully healed. At first I thought this was just a pattern in my life, then I looked deeper, and saw God's heart to heal. That has been my prayer, healing our community in places we don't even know- nothing more than a story of redemption.

Shadowfeet

Beautiful

"Life's to Short to be anyone else"- anonymous stranger

I am a creation. Creations serve a purpose, usually one that the artist intends to speak using its art form.  When I create I feel very deeply about what it is I am trying to express through my piece.  What happens if the creation is not expressing what it was created for?

I have a creation inside of me.

I'm an artist, artist create...right? What happens when artists don't create?  Hmm...they get stopped up, stuck, creatively constipated.  That's just it though, artists are storytellers, observers, visionaries, communicators for life.  I'm a communicator of the expressions of the heart.  My dad says it's selfish of me not to share this part of me.  I agree.  I'm not quite sure what holds me back from creating, except of course for that fear of failure.  I don't think that thing will ever go away until I just do it, do it the best way I can, the best way I know how, not the best way I've seen it done.  I guess it all comes down to my insecurity. That junk holds me up...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!  

I've been screaming a lot lately, mostly on the inside, though I have let it rip a couple times on the street.  I have rage built up on the inside of me.  Anger and frustration that I can express in one word, rage.  And it has a voice, it is a deep grunting scream from the depths of my soul.  I don't know where this came from, but anger is an emotion I'm not as familiar with compared to the others.  This rage needs an outlet.  I don't feel the need to hit anything, but I cannot express the intensity of which I feel the need to scream. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

sigh, sigh.  Am I going crazy?  No...no I remind myself.

I have a creation inside of me, that has lied dormant for years.  YEARS.  One that God spoke to me on the very night I came to really know Him.  I have purpose and intent just lying in my womb.  Ohhhh God.  I feel it so strongly. Help me to give birth.  I can make so many excuses but when it comes down to it, I don't think I will fill the freedom and fulfillment my heart longs for until I express myself.  That's what artists do, they express themselves. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...ahhhh.  the rage turns to tears...and my heart still aches.

I'm out of excuses.

I feel so intensly.

I can't turn it off.

So I'll make something of it.

It began from a scream that ran so far into my being, that it brought me to tears.

If lifes a dream, someone must have woken me up.

Control I have not, but trust I will gain.

I'm just a rich kid trying to find my way.

Help me oh God.

You hear the cry of the oppressed, and answer.

I am oppressed in my own mind, by my own ways.

Deliver me from evil.

May your intent for me be fulfilled.

I heard a girl on the subway say,"I am me...Life's to short to be anyone else"

Her confidence resonated in my heart.

I dream... a lot.

I spend much of my reality, in nonreality.

I'm learning to find my footing in this realm of reality.

My dreams gave me so much room to live out all that I think I can be.

Dreams can come true.

Now I'm just rambling....

ok, I'm done.