Monday, February 23, 2009
There's a Monster Under My Bed
One day I'm going to write on this blog when I'm in a good mood again, lol. I've been in a cold gray place for a good minute now, and am looking forward to brighter days. I just wanted to be honest with myself and document this part of my journey...because somewhere along the line i will look back and see the beauty. I'll be 25 in a little less than two weeks... Lord I hope I don't feel like I feel today. Twenty five is a big year, lol, I will look back and remember all that this year entailed. Pheww. In all honesty I am terrified at what this year may hold... it hasn't started on the prettiest of feet. There hasn't been a time in my walk with God where I have been so...down, I don't know if that's the right word, so aware of my insufficiency, so helpless. I've always felt I had control or some kind of bearings in my life up to this point. I feel like I'm surviving, I'm doing all I can to hold on to truth, I'm closer to God, yes, but my heart has never hurt so bad, I've never felt so lost. It's like I'm tracing back to the deepest of deep and darkest places in my heart and having to go there. I left a little trail of pain crumbs and one by one going back to where it began. It's terrifying to face the things that have brought me the most pain in life. But I've come to a point that living with them hurts to much and has affected to many areas of my life to go on with them still lingering. I said I was being honest, right? I was writing in Barnes and Nobles the other day and had a moment. I recognized yet another "monster" in my closet. Loneliness..my numero uno, I could trace that feeling all the way back to my early early childhood and the tears would surface like it just happened yesterday. Loneliness I am finding is an illness. I don't want to be sick anymore, I'm so tired. To go on like that would be living a life that is less than. I am freaking aware, I'm not ignorant to this monster. It lies to me, I remember years ago being in a my dorm with Joy, we had some kind of fight and it ended with me being delivered from some kind of spirit of loneliness, no it was pity. I remember sitting there and telling this thing it was not my friend, because after years of being alone it had indeed became my comfort, my companion, to go a place where no one could hurt me...except myself. I told pity that it wasn't my friend, and to leave me alone, and it did. I began weeping and it was like I could see, it sounds cliche but it literally felt like I could see so much better and clearer like this fog was lifted off of my sight. I guess that was just one piece. I developed this defense mechanism as a child to protect myself, and in all honesty it was probably necessary then to defend myself from total destruction at heart. So I carried this lonesome heart everywhere, I would hide under the sheets and cry because no one seemed to care, so I thought. I would lay there hoping that someone would come check on me to see if I was okay, to tell me they loved me and that I wasn't alone... but tell that to a child. So after years of this behavior, and no one coming for me, I began to believe it, I was alone. There are so many more painful accounts, I don't know how you get rid of feelings that are so deeply associated with your past. And then I realized (at Barnes and Nobles yesterday) that loneliness was only part of it... when I would lay there having those lonely pity parties it would always be amplified by my father not coming for me...always. We are reconciled now, but I never and sometimes still didn't understand why he never cared to come for me. And I would feel not worth much, etc etc. As I write this, I am not writing this in pity reader, I am writing this in truth, it kind of feels like a confession. I realized at the stem of not being desired, lonely, I believed that it was because I wasn't worth it. These are my three monsters that began to torment me earlier this month, literally...loneliness, lack of self worth, and being desired/rejection. I will be honest because I want to share my story. These three all hit me head on this month. One evening I lay in my bed, and my head was spinning, it was like something was pulling at my head, it was like being tormented. My roommate was asleep so I went into the bathroom and sat on the floor and prayed for God to help me, to protect me. That wasn't "the" moment, but one of the many moments that made me see.
So here I am now, trying to shed light on this dark place I feel like I have lived for too long. I've cried everyday...for different reasons, but by the end of each day, I get back up. Everyday for the past month has felt like I have been knocked down, like I am in a fight, and I just don't have the strength, I can't even be embarrassed because this my friends has become reality for me. It is a struggle to put on a happy face when I am wrestling with every fiber of my being. I have never been here, and I have no desire to come back. It's funny how NYC has become a backdrop to all of the noise inside of me. I once battled the loudness and chaos of this city, but no, the city is now quiet, the noise is in my soul.
So you may be thinking a lot of things right now... of which I don't know, but if I was reading this I might think that Ashley has gone a little crazy. Some days I do wonder, lol, to tell people what this feels like sounds like I've gone off the deep end, but that's just it, I have so that God can redeem a piece of me that was taken ove 20 years ago. To understand the value of healing, is to understand the heart of God. It has gotten to the point where I have to believe the spiritual/supernatural more than the natural or I might lose it. Some days I wonder if I'm brainwashing myself, or if I'm crazy, but it's the only thing that comforts me is to know what God says and sees. Nothing naturally makes a bit of sense to me. Everything is beyond my control, and anyone who knows me know I like to be in control. But all of this has brought me to a place where all I can do is trust God. I didn't really trust God before, to an extent, which I thought was bigger than what it really was, because I knew that I could always find a way to fix my problem somehow. But this crap is just too deep. I can't fix it, I can admit it, and face it, but I need help. To have faith is a wild thing. To trust a God you cannot see. To know what your experiences have told you, but to choose to believe what God says instead. Someone told me that the deep hurts we feel are often associated with a lie we have believed in our youth. I have asked God to show me the truth. These lies will either linger and eventually become my truth, or I can dispell them, by choice. That is where I am. I had to realize God was good, sounds silly, but it is easy to believe God is good over the things that we don't hold dearly, to and fro desires. But it is has been a battle for me to believe God is good when it has come to the things I have held closest to my heart. But I have found that God is good. That statement is the basis for why I can believe God to be trustworthy, that I can believe.
So God is good, I've got issues, and now what do I do about it. (This previous sentence sums up what I realized in the past month and went through hell to find out) Now that I know the names of my baggage, I'm ready to check this crap. It's amazing how this baggage has affected almost every area of my life. I was listening to a podcast about "baggage" and the guy was talking about getting counsel, and how the holy spirit is a counselor and how He works through people to counsel as well. A counselor is one who has insight. The idea of going to a counselor makes it seem like you are a special case, or beyond repair, but no, it is getting help from someone who can offer insight to my situation. So...I may sound even crazier now, but to God be the glory. I want insight and help to let go of this baggage. I know this won't be the last time I go through this process, but to be free of these burdens that have weighed me down would make me feel like a new woman. And I desire that. And you know what, God will redeem me.
All of this is yet funny, because one of my greatest desires is to help people find healing. I have the heart of a counselor...can't seem to help myself, lol, but it brings me such joy and fulfillment to be a soul hug, a resting place for another. Those are some of my happiest moments, is to know I provided shade for anothers heart. I feel as though my healing, is part of my process to help others heal. I feel deeply as an artist and an individual, but I also feel deeply the pains of others. It's as if through all of this heartache I have found yet another piece of my journey. I want to help shine light in the hearts of peoples darkest pains, and trust the counselor who healed me to reveal the truth to them... there is a ministry that does this called "theophostics" so up my alley. So this pain is not in vain, for eventually I will be given the gift to offer someone else the comfort that God has offered me.
If you guys do happen to stumble across my secret, not so secret blog...that I want to take public, lol, I would love to talk about this stuff. This is not a plea, but a desire to share life. Everyone's got suppressed hurts, and sometimes they surface in our lives without awareness, and then there are times when God invites you to remove them.
God invited me on this journey of healing, I have no doubt about that, His spirit invited me to this place.
This feels like an alter call,lol, but it is more of a plea, I believe that God is inviting all of us individually to face our "monsters of old". When I say us, I mean our little community, the SMOB bloggers, lol. I pray that God will meet us in our darkness and shine light on our deepest of wounds. That we would be a people who know in yet another way what it means to be free. That we will be willing to hear God invite us, and journey into the darkest, scariest places of our hurt and let God show us the truth, whatever it takes. I love you all, I guess I should put this on the main SMOB Blog.
A bit of irony I'm just now remembering... in kindergarten the first book I learned to read was "There's a Monster Under My Bed" ( I didn't really read it, I had it memorized,and took a reading test with it to prove to the teacher I could read, lol... shhh don't tell) but the book was about these monsters that used to make loud noises and taunt this little girl at night. They had huge shadows, and in the dark terrified the little girl. But when her father came to the door after hearing her cries he turned on the light and showed her the monsters under her bed. They were stuffed animals whose shadows grew large by the moonlight behind them, and the noises were her imagination. Hmm.
I feel as though our deepest pains are much like this story, they aren't at all what they seem, until God sheds some light. That was a great little memory (smile) that brings me such comfort. I read that feelings of anxiety, sorrow, fear and depression are usually stemmed from a lie. Food for thought.
So here I am now, trying to shed light on this dark place I feel like I have lived for too long. I've cried everyday...for different reasons, but by the end of each day, I get back up. Everyday for the past month has felt like I have been knocked down, like I am in a fight, and I just don't have the strength, I can't even be embarrassed because this my friends has become reality for me. It is a struggle to put on a happy face when I am wrestling with every fiber of my being. I have never been here, and I have no desire to come back. It's funny how NYC has become a backdrop to all of the noise inside of me. I once battled the loudness and chaos of this city, but no, the city is now quiet, the noise is in my soul.
So you may be thinking a lot of things right now... of which I don't know, but if I was reading this I might think that Ashley has gone a little crazy. Some days I do wonder, lol, to tell people what this feels like sounds like I've gone off the deep end, but that's just it, I have so that God can redeem a piece of me that was taken ove 20 years ago. To understand the value of healing, is to understand the heart of God. It has gotten to the point where I have to believe the spiritual/supernatural more than the natural or I might lose it. Some days I wonder if I'm brainwashing myself, or if I'm crazy, but it's the only thing that comforts me is to know what God says and sees. Nothing naturally makes a bit of sense to me. Everything is beyond my control, and anyone who knows me know I like to be in control. But all of this has brought me to a place where all I can do is trust God. I didn't really trust God before, to an extent, which I thought was bigger than what it really was, because I knew that I could always find a way to fix my problem somehow. But this crap is just too deep. I can't fix it, I can admit it, and face it, but I need help. To have faith is a wild thing. To trust a God you cannot see. To know what your experiences have told you, but to choose to believe what God says instead. Someone told me that the deep hurts we feel are often associated with a lie we have believed in our youth. I have asked God to show me the truth. These lies will either linger and eventually become my truth, or I can dispell them, by choice. That is where I am. I had to realize God was good, sounds silly, but it is easy to believe God is good over the things that we don't hold dearly, to and fro desires. But it is has been a battle for me to believe God is good when it has come to the things I have held closest to my heart. But I have found that God is good. That statement is the basis for why I can believe God to be trustworthy, that I can believe.
So God is good, I've got issues, and now what do I do about it. (This previous sentence sums up what I realized in the past month and went through hell to find out) Now that I know the names of my baggage, I'm ready to check this crap. It's amazing how this baggage has affected almost every area of my life. I was listening to a podcast about "baggage" and the guy was talking about getting counsel, and how the holy spirit is a counselor and how He works through people to counsel as well. A counselor is one who has insight. The idea of going to a counselor makes it seem like you are a special case, or beyond repair, but no, it is getting help from someone who can offer insight to my situation. So...I may sound even crazier now, but to God be the glory. I want insight and help to let go of this baggage. I know this won't be the last time I go through this process, but to be free of these burdens that have weighed me down would make me feel like a new woman. And I desire that. And you know what, God will redeem me.
All of this is yet funny, because one of my greatest desires is to help people find healing. I have the heart of a counselor...can't seem to help myself, lol, but it brings me such joy and fulfillment to be a soul hug, a resting place for another. Those are some of my happiest moments, is to know I provided shade for anothers heart. I feel as though my healing, is part of my process to help others heal. I feel deeply as an artist and an individual, but I also feel deeply the pains of others. It's as if through all of this heartache I have found yet another piece of my journey. I want to help shine light in the hearts of peoples darkest pains, and trust the counselor who healed me to reveal the truth to them... there is a ministry that does this called "theophostics" so up my alley. So this pain is not in vain, for eventually I will be given the gift to offer someone else the comfort that God has offered me.
If you guys do happen to stumble across my secret, not so secret blog...that I want to take public, lol, I would love to talk about this stuff. This is not a plea, but a desire to share life. Everyone's got suppressed hurts, and sometimes they surface in our lives without awareness, and then there are times when God invites you to remove them.
God invited me on this journey of healing, I have no doubt about that, His spirit invited me to this place.
This feels like an alter call,lol, but it is more of a plea, I believe that God is inviting all of us individually to face our "monsters of old". When I say us, I mean our little community, the SMOB bloggers, lol. I pray that God will meet us in our darkness and shine light on our deepest of wounds. That we would be a people who know in yet another way what it means to be free. That we will be willing to hear God invite us, and journey into the darkest, scariest places of our hurt and let God show us the truth, whatever it takes. I love you all, I guess I should put this on the main SMOB Blog.
A bit of irony I'm just now remembering... in kindergarten the first book I learned to read was "There's a Monster Under My Bed" ( I didn't really read it, I had it memorized,and took a reading test with it to prove to the teacher I could read, lol... shhh don't tell) but the book was about these monsters that used to make loud noises and taunt this little girl at night. They had huge shadows, and in the dark terrified the little girl. But when her father came to the door after hearing her cries he turned on the light and showed her the monsters under her bed. They were stuffed animals whose shadows grew large by the moonlight behind them, and the noises were her imagination. Hmm.
I feel as though our deepest pains are much like this story, they aren't at all what they seem, until God sheds some light. That was a great little memory (smile) that brings me such comfort. I read that feelings of anxiety, sorrow, fear and depression are usually stemmed from a lie. Food for thought.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
My long walk with Papa
I walked along the Hudson River with God today. It was so perfect. The sun was shining high in the sky, and my body has longed for some Vitamin d?(whichever one the sun gives) The weather was lovely with a cool breeze. It felt so good to walk without a destination. I talked to Papa with my lips, I probably looked crazy, but I did not care, at all. Papa was as real to me as any other person on that sidewalk. I've started calling God papa, as I am growing I found that Papa is so much more endearing of the way I feel towards my Father. I walked down the Hudson, escaping the shadows of the tall buildings and thoughts and worries that loomed over my mind. I walked to find rest for my troubled heart... I guess I did have a destination. As I walked, the anger and dissapointment in my heart turned to tears from a deep well of hurt. I stood on the corner of a pier and weeped. First from circumstance hurt, immediate hurt, no less painful, but then my tears turned to wounds that have lurked and bled into other parts of my life. I stood their and told God all that I could, I asked him to fill the lonely place in my heart that I have never known how to fill. God healed something in me today. I can't put my finger on just what has changed, maybe just my faith. I stood at the end of that pier with the sun beaming on my face, and the wind bringing a chill to my facce as the wetness of my tears captured the cool air. And somehow I knew God was with me. I said it over and over to myself, "God is with me." God went on to teach me about love. Love is patient, love is kind... we know it, right? But today it took on a whole new meaning for my little heart. God has been so patient with me. I was reminded that God loves me, that He will wait patiently for me as He has for my whole walk with Him. He looks upon me with joy, he is fond of me. Those words melted my heart. I just want to be cherished. I confessed to God that I had spent most of my life being alone, and wanting to share my joys, my dreams...my many dreams, I want to be enjoyed. To hear God say that he already does, did something to my longing heart. I'm coming to understand that God didn't bring me t NYC for the reasons I once thought. God brought me here, alone, on purpose to heal me. And how strange it would seem to bring one who struggles so with isolation and loneliness to a place that swims in both. But it has only forced me to face these demons. I realized that I don't want to live with this crap any longer. It's just to heavy, I want to know what it feels like to live fully, to have joy even in the midst of sorrow. I can't run. I didn't come to NYC to get away from anything, I came for adventure. And it is funny, now that I am here, I want to run! But I know that there is no place I can go, not even Greece or any place I've dreamed of, I can't run from me. So I will face me. I am. I will not leave this place the sameway I came. I am leaving this old dirty baggage here in this city. It is not going along with me in any other part of my journey, I will wrestle with this *#$@ until it dies. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world. I am in a battle if you could not tell, lol. But if you could see my face, the dark bags under my eyes, my puffy lips, my eyes tired from the weight of my tears, my face tells the story of my battle with my soul. But if you look deeper into my eyes beyond all the anguish my face bears, you will see perserverance, endurance, hope, faith, though small in size, they are present. My demons/life long battles will not determine who I am and will be, and will not continue to hurt the people I love. There is a woman of faith being born out of my pain and sorrow.
Then Papa began to speak to me about being a resting place for people. Papa has been my resting place for a long time, and I know that attribute of Him well. I know what it means to be broken hearted, and to offer the comfort that God has shown me, how beautiful. God is healing me, I can often feel hurt people...and I want to be apart of their healing. Then it hit me, the beauty of redemption became ever more alive to me. God is a redeemer, He always takes the broken, sick, ugly, and makes it something that it wasn't. God is good, and it is His who is to work all things for the good...redemption. Papa's promise to our lives is redemption. Beauty for ashes, joy for mourning.
I thought to myself, how God is trying to redeem us individually (us- our community). It is a time of facing the things that have been buried, a time for God to redeem the deep things that haven't been fully healed. At first I thought this was just a pattern in my life, then I looked deeper, and saw God's heart to heal. That has been my prayer, healing our community in places we don't even know- nothing more than a story of redemption.
Then Papa began to speak to me about being a resting place for people. Papa has been my resting place for a long time, and I know that attribute of Him well. I know what it means to be broken hearted, and to offer the comfort that God has shown me, how beautiful. God is healing me, I can often feel hurt people...and I want to be apart of their healing. Then it hit me, the beauty of redemption became ever more alive to me. God is a redeemer, He always takes the broken, sick, ugly, and makes it something that it wasn't. God is good, and it is His who is to work all things for the good...redemption. Papa's promise to our lives is redemption. Beauty for ashes, joy for mourning.
I thought to myself, how God is trying to redeem us individually (us- our community). It is a time of facing the things that have been buried, a time for God to redeem the deep things that haven't been fully healed. At first I thought this was just a pattern in my life, then I looked deeper, and saw God's heart to heal. That has been my prayer, healing our community in places we don't even know- nothing more than a story of redemption.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
"Life's to Short to be anyone else"- anonymous stranger
I am a creation. Creations serve a purpose, usually one that the artist intends to speak using its art form. When I create I feel very deeply about what it is I am trying to express through my piece. What happens if the creation is not expressing what it was created for?
I have a creation inside of me.
I'm an artist, artist create...right? What happens when artists don't create? Hmm...they get stopped up, stuck, creatively constipated. That's just it though, artists are storytellers, observers, visionaries, communicators for life. I'm a communicator of the expressions of the heart. My dad says it's selfish of me not to share this part of me. I agree. I'm not quite sure what holds me back from creating, except of course for that fear of failure. I don't think that thing will ever go away until I just do it, do it the best way I can, the best way I know how, not the best way I've seen it done. I guess it all comes down to my insecurity. That junk holds me up...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
I've been screaming a lot lately, mostly on the inside, though I have let it rip a couple times on the street. I have rage built up on the inside of me. Anger and frustration that I can express in one word, rage. And it has a voice, it is a deep grunting scream from the depths of my soul. I don't know where this came from, but anger is an emotion I'm not as familiar with compared to the others. This rage needs an outlet. I don't feel the need to hit anything, but I cannot express the intensity of which I feel the need to scream. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
sigh, sigh. Am I going crazy? No...no I remind myself.
I have a creation inside of me, that has lied dormant for years. YEARS. One that God spoke to me on the very night I came to really know Him. I have purpose and intent just lying in my womb. Ohhhh God. I feel it so strongly. Help me to give birth. I can make so many excuses but when it comes down to it, I don't think I will fill the freedom and fulfillment my heart longs for until I express myself. That's what artists do, they express themselves. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...ahhhh. the rage turns to tears...and my heart still aches.
I'm out of excuses.
I feel so intensly.
I can't turn it off.
So I'll make something of it.
It began from a scream that ran so far into my being, that it brought me to tears.
If lifes a dream, someone must have woken me up.
Control I have not, but trust I will gain.
I'm just a rich kid trying to find my way.
Help me oh God.
You hear the cry of the oppressed, and answer.
I am oppressed in my own mind, by my own ways.
Deliver me from evil.
May your intent for me be fulfilled.
I heard a girl on the subway say,"I am me...Life's to short to be anyone else"
Her confidence resonated in my heart.
I dream... a lot.
I spend much of my reality, in nonreality.
I'm learning to find my footing in this realm of reality.
My dreams gave me so much room to live out all that I think I can be.
Dreams can come true.
Now I'm just rambling....
ok, I'm done.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Times square photo op.
An Opening night event for my internship, me and two fellow interns, Manisha and Thatcher
The next generation in my family, Kennedy, Micaylah, and Nicholas, my funny cousins. Funny story., Nicholas bit my Aunt Phyllis and got in trouble so his grandma made him go to bed while the girls got stay up. He cried so hard, then he cried harder. About 15 minutes later he emerges and apologizes to my Aunt. He then walks over to Kennedy and Micaylah and says so seriously," NeNe scared me. That's why I cried louder, she scared me." (He sits in Kennedy, his big sister's lap as she rubs his back.) "I love you Kennedy, you're just so nice." They were in their own little world, it was hilarious, comforting each other in Niko's time of need.
My beautiful mom on her birthday
Me in the subway...it was soooooooooooooo cold, lol. Had to capture how ridicules I looked...but warm.More Memories...
Showtime at the Apollo...not really
Shreeeyeeekkkkk. Hello...hello...is this thing on? Hello. Hello everyone, my name is Ashley, and I'm having a moment. You ever feel like just getting on the stage and telling the whole world your life? Well I guess this is my stage, my way of communicating with the world temporarily... or my few friends who read my page, lol.
I'm going through growing pains that make me feel like I'm in withdrawal. It is so hard to describe this process that some days leaves me feeling like I'm on top of the world and can do anything, and other days leaves me feeling so naked and exposed that my spirit shivers in the unfamiliarty of being that bare. All this from moving away from home? Or is this just the season in my life? Do I like who I am becoming? What am I doing here again? My heart is flooded with so many questions...questions that empty out the very things that used to excite me. Am I cynical? I miss God so much. I need people, I need community, it is such a necessity. I have great friends...shout out to my peoples you know who you are, lol. It's like I've been trying to replicate the sense of belonging I had back home, and if it doesn't come close, I reject it. And how did I make those friends in the first place? How do you make friends?...silence... this place I'm in is so unfamiliar. i've never been here before, I'm 24...internally struggling...internally at peace...internally struggling...internally at peace...internally struggling...internally at peace... I see a bit of a pattern. I enjoy being the steady one, the one who is dependable, "smooth and easy" as I called it. I am far from that now... I'm vulnerable these days, superstrong, or superweak, but the balance between those two I have yet to find. But at least they are super. And I live in a place where I have so much in common with people on a grander scale. You can taste humanity in the air here. The realization that everyone feels pain, everyone is searching, everyone is human. I feel human here. That's a good way to describe it, human and naked. It's not bad, it's necessary. It has taught me compassion in a way I have yet to experience. When your own pain becomes real, it is so much easier to identify with the sufferings of others. I used to be in a place of observation, I got to watch other people go through the hard parts of life...and learn. I'm not watching anymore, I'm living...I'm learning. Hopefully, someone is getting to watch... and learn. Of course I wanted to believe that God sent me here to NYC, which I do believe He did, but not for the purposes I had in mind. I am becoming something new. I don't even know what that looks like, but I can feel some areas in my life being broken back to dust to be reformed, smoothed out and fired.
In some ways I feel like the karate kid. It takes everything in me to fight, to be Ashley, to let go, to trust God. How is that the karate kid, lol? It's so funny, some days I walk out of the subway run up the stairs and feel like Rocky. And some days I internally remember all that God has invested in me, and encourage myself to keep going. I know I will come out of all this, I have learned with God, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't care how bad it gets. I try to imagine what my college years would have been like void of all the wonderful people whose lives I got to be a part of. It would have been a total different experience. A few months ago I surveyed some older women at my old job, I asked them, "after all the things in life they've seen, done, experienced what did they think was the most significant/special, etc." Woman after woman said in their own words...
it was the people.
It was the people.
It was the people who made my college experience great, it was the people who made Richmond home, it was the people who made me feel apart of something bigger than me.
It is the people...wherever I go, whatever I do, that will make life "fulfilling". exhale... wow. A 63 year old told me this, a 60 year old, and a 42 year old... I'm 24 and this too is my experience. Love God, love yourself, love people.
Moment. (light bulb went on) I need people, I cannot sustain myself in and of myself, not here, not in Richmond.
Lord, may my life always be shared, may my wealth be stored up in people. May the riches in my life come out of relationships. I'm learning to value people. Friends, strangers, co-workers, family.
So I started this rant talking into a mic to my imaginary crowd from a very low place, and I'm ending this from a rant on top of a hill, with hope and just a little more direction, a little more confidence in this journey. God is good. Just in case I forgot. Here I go resurrecting again...Just in case I forgot. I didn't.
I'm going through growing pains that make me feel like I'm in withdrawal. It is so hard to describe this process that some days leaves me feeling like I'm on top of the world and can do anything, and other days leaves me feeling so naked and exposed that my spirit shivers in the unfamiliarty of being that bare. All this from moving away from home? Or is this just the season in my life? Do I like who I am becoming? What am I doing here again? My heart is flooded with so many questions...questions that empty out the very things that used to excite me. Am I cynical? I miss God so much. I need people, I need community, it is such a necessity. I have great friends...shout out to my peoples you know who you are, lol. It's like I've been trying to replicate the sense of belonging I had back home, and if it doesn't come close, I reject it. And how did I make those friends in the first place? How do you make friends?...silence... this place I'm in is so unfamiliar. i've never been here before, I'm 24...internally struggling...internally at peace...internally struggling...internally at peace...internally struggling...internally at peace... I see a bit of a pattern. I enjoy being the steady one, the one who is dependable, "smooth and easy" as I called it. I am far from that now... I'm vulnerable these days, superstrong, or superweak, but the balance between those two I have yet to find. But at least they are super. And I live in a place where I have so much in common with people on a grander scale. You can taste humanity in the air here. The realization that everyone feels pain, everyone is searching, everyone is human. I feel human here. That's a good way to describe it, human and naked. It's not bad, it's necessary. It has taught me compassion in a way I have yet to experience. When your own pain becomes real, it is so much easier to identify with the sufferings of others. I used to be in a place of observation, I got to watch other people go through the hard parts of life...and learn. I'm not watching anymore, I'm living...I'm learning. Hopefully, someone is getting to watch... and learn. Of course I wanted to believe that God sent me here to NYC, which I do believe He did, but not for the purposes I had in mind. I am becoming something new. I don't even know what that looks like, but I can feel some areas in my life being broken back to dust to be reformed, smoothed out and fired.
In some ways I feel like the karate kid. It takes everything in me to fight, to be Ashley, to let go, to trust God. How is that the karate kid, lol? It's so funny, some days I walk out of the subway run up the stairs and feel like Rocky. And some days I internally remember all that God has invested in me, and encourage myself to keep going. I know I will come out of all this, I have learned with God, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't care how bad it gets. I try to imagine what my college years would have been like void of all the wonderful people whose lives I got to be a part of. It would have been a total different experience. A few months ago I surveyed some older women at my old job, I asked them, "after all the things in life they've seen, done, experienced what did they think was the most significant/special, etc." Woman after woman said in their own words...
it was the people.
It was the people.
It was the people who made my college experience great, it was the people who made Richmond home, it was the people who made me feel apart of something bigger than me.
It is the people...wherever I go, whatever I do, that will make life "fulfilling". exhale... wow. A 63 year old told me this, a 60 year old, and a 42 year old... I'm 24 and this too is my experience. Love God, love yourself, love people.
Moment. (light bulb went on) I need people, I cannot sustain myself in and of myself, not here, not in Richmond.
Lord, may my life always be shared, may my wealth be stored up in people. May the riches in my life come out of relationships. I'm learning to value people. Friends, strangers, co-workers, family.
So I started this rant talking into a mic to my imaginary crowd from a very low place, and I'm ending this from a rant on top of a hill, with hope and just a little more direction, a little more confidence in this journey. God is good. Just in case I forgot. Here I go resurrecting again...Just in case I forgot. I didn't.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
NYC memories
So I was sitting on the train yesterday, which by the way has become my sanctuary, it's just such a great place to sit and think, and look at beautiful different people. It's one of my favorite moments of the day, an awesome time of reflection.
Anyways, I was sitting on the train thinking about all the funny things that have happened here in my short time. And I just bust out laughing, out loud, all to myself, I couldn't help myself. The hard days became funny, the fun days became joyful memories... so I came up with this list while I was on the train.
1. I farted on the elevator. lol I didn't mean too, but we were on the 9th floor and the elevator stopped at like four floors. oops.
2. I went to a parade, with music, horns, and a huge float... I thought... but it was actually a funeral.
3. I cracked up laughing on the middle of the train because of this list.
4. I put on my prettiest dress for an event at work, and my white granny panties were shining through. :(
5. At my old apartmen building, built in 1923, and probably not refurbished since then, I chose to take a shower in the bathroom with the great water pressure... Sadly the water would go up 10 degrees every two minutes and burn the mess out of me. lol
6. The "boobie" lady on the train showing off her topless pictures to a stranger... and everyone else on the train for that matter...even me. lol
7. My old apartment fed us, but was stingy on the food some days. I arrived late for dinner one evening to be served a spoonful of tuna...just tuna... no bread, no crackers. I just stared at it and laughed.
8. Did anyone else see that man dressed like Elvis? anybody.
9. I had a maid. ( For 2 weeks)
10. I hailed a cab... I think I'll walk from now on.
11. I pick up people's accent very easily, and not on purpose, I met some international ladies at my apartment and picked up a lovely british accent. My roommate is latino, and now so am I.
12. I went shopping on Labor Day, biiiiigggg mistake, never again! I went to Macy's and got so frustrated I had to stop and get ice cream, ice cream makes everything better.
13. I got my eyebrows waxed... scary, bought a city purse and sunglasses... that was enough. I don't need much more vanity- but I do like my purse.
14. The rockin' open mic night, I rocked my head so hard...and started saying stuff like "man that music is funky..umm that's fresh... you better play it... whooo... and of course I put on the funky musician face when you are reeally feeling it, you can't be in a place like that without the funky face. (David you would have been proud)
15. On a serious note, out of all the people I've seen here on the streets so absorbed with the hustle, I have felt the most for the homeless people. They seem to be the one's that can see the clearest here.
16. There is something so significant about the train ride home. I almost cried on the train the other day. Somedays are just too much to bear.
That's my list so far. I do know one thing. I am rich... we are rich. There are so many people here who are striving for fulfillment... for money, for something. Those things have there place, but I have had the opportunity to experience relationships that are so fulfilling they run right to my heart. Most people don't recognize or experience this until later in their lifetime. We are fortunate to be rich now, and have the opportunity to do something with it. There's a freedom that knowing you already have what your heart longs after, and that you don't have to strive for it for a lifetime. How do we respond to that wealth, you know. There's a lot to be learned from watching and listening to other people's lives, the big shots and the not so big shots, they all have a story to tell of how they chose to live their life.
NYC is full of big buildings, millions of people, everything at your fingertips. But it's also a tiny island, with a little foundation to for all of the hustle it sustains. Big, lofty, man made dreams, and little hearts. Is NYC the American dream? Big accomplishments, and hardened hearts. This pic says a lot to me, this is the biggest cemetery I've ever seen, with the biggest cityscape right behind it. I call it "tombstones and pillars". Lives spent on building pillars. I've come to recognize milestones in life and have learned to stake a pillar in the places that I know God was with me, and the places I want to remember. And then there are the pillars of expectation that we have for our own lives (that sometimes lead to unnecessary stress). Live your life with pillars, don't let your pillars live you.
random nights
"Hot Chocolate"...this band was up there with the babyface concert
This is Miss Blue. That's her stage name, she where's all blue every Monday... maybe everyday
Me, Diana, and Andre, Diana's friend/musician, he's the one that told us about Open Mic Night
Me. I had to post this pic as awful as it is. But it captures how I felt that night. It was hot as all googamoo, my eye was hurting, and I had just found out my bank account was overdrafted... oh yeah... and the bank had me on hold for 45 minutes. This pic says a thousand words I wanted to say.
I view from the roof of my building. This is where I went to cool off after my frustrating evening. The yellow building is the empire state building.
First Sunday
Picnic after church at at Greek couples house. They roasted lambs and everything
This is Diana, and Sarah... this is the first day I met them, and they treated me like family, and boy did I need it in a city that seemed so cold.
Me and my new roomie Sarah.\
A huge graveyard with the cityscape...quite ironic to me.
My first night out on the town at an open mic night with an AWESOME band.Sunday, August 31, 2008
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